so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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