in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize