We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
