He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
