my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Just pee around me
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
