OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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