my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
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