I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
