i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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