Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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