then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
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