i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
