She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
We had sex on a dog bed..
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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