he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
