your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
