So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
