I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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