On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
