You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
oh god was she eating orange peels again
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
