you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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