How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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