I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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