I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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