I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
