I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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