He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
