My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
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