you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
