My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
