I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
