i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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