I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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