had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
