so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
