Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
