Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
