This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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