I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
And then the night went full on bisexual.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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