We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
