You smell like stripper and shame
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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