swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
