My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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