i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
