The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize