I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
