I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
