Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Randomize
