She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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