I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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