i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
