he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
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