I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
