Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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