and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
