so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
