So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
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