Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
