Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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