we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
