Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
