nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
