My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
