i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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